Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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