I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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