are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
