i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize