Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
