nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
