SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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