I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
