I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
