ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize