she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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