He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
