I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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