I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
