I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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