paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
