My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
