There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
