The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
