the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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