My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
