In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
