I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
