She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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