just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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