I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
