I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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