i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
