I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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