She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
