i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
