I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
