I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
