I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
