My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Randomize
