clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
