i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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