you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
