i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
