i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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