Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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