so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
