he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We just shotgunned beers for America
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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