Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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