mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
be right there i have to get my cape
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
