Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
