she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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