What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
