hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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