who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
