Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
