I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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