They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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