this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
