You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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