Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
