Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
ugly people sure do ruin things
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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