Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
