I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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