I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
