He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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