I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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