1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
