Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
